The Screaming Pride...

        My pride is screaming at me not to write this but it's too difficult to ignore God's prodding of my heart anymore.
   I've lived in my reasonably spacious apartment for three years. I am proud of this! I was 8 months pregnant with baby number four when I moved in and recently divorced. 95% of all bills have been paid because my hard work and efforts. A little help here and there by kind family and friends. I paid off my car, supported my children in the many months i did not receive child support. Yes I bitched about not receiving it those months but yet again my hard work allowed for my bills to be paid. I've built a lot of memories with the children in this apartment. Three Christmas', three Summers, every milestone in Makenna's, the baby, life, heartbreak, healing, accent walls and all. This apartment is the first place I have ever had on my own. I am proud.
         January and February of this year I did not receive all of my child support. So much so that I could not pay rent and, being the wise financial planner that I am, my savings wouldn't cover the gap. I had been late on my rent before so I wasn't too worried about waiting until my next check. I also knew I had $7,600.00 coming to me from my tax return. Less than a week later I was served with an eviction notice. Pride crushed, anger fuming.
       I tried to think of every way the management office had done me wrong, there was a few things on that list, but there wasn't anything significant enough to fight it. After I got over being the victim, I wrote a 'take pity on me I'm the mother of 4 and support them largely on my own and I'm a wonderful clean tenant' letter... . To which they did not reply and eve ignored my phone calls to discuss the matter. There were moments of anger and rage feelings of 'how could they'. But I am the one who did not pay my rent.
        I started looking for a new place to move and there were many prospects that looked great. In all of San Clemente there were 8 rentals. Either too mall or too expensive. I was told it was a slow rental year when this is usually their busy season... my luck. Naturally I thought God was going to bless me with a even better place to live ad that must be His awesome plan for me! Let me tell you, I have NEVER guessed correctly when it comes to guessing His plan for me. So why would this be any different? It wasn't. This next week was a string of bad financial news. The worst probably being that the IRS had a 'glitch' in their system that confiscated my entire tax return to pay off a debt I had been making small monthly payments towards. I still held out hope that I would be able to get into a new place and not have to move in with my parents. So I had EVERYBODY praying that wouldn't have to happen!!  I'm sure my parents were praying that too!
       It was as if every person I contacted about rentals was moving uphill, in molasses on a cold winters day and I was in a serious hurry!!!!! Everyone, including my parents at this point, were advising me to move in with them for a short time and not rush a move into a place that wasn't perfect.  I accepted the fact that it was the right thing to do as I cried as I shoved my stuff into boxes and drank a little too much champagne. Thank God for my sister who spent the night with my hot mess. I ranted and raved about how irresponsible certain people are and that paying to help support their children should be number one on their list of financial obligation. And don't get me started on the IRS.
Little side story:
      For those of you who know me personally, you know the prayers I've had for my 12 and a half year old daughter. She was baptized a few months ago and since the I have seen such a battle in her. She is a beautiful, talented, too witty and smart sometimes for her own good. She is a child of influence. The battle is for whom she will influence others. Jr. High is an age where we can be influenced by people and it is a place where a little light and truth go a long way. ANYWAYS my point is her light has been a bit dim lately and it warmed my heart for her to do what she did. While I was paking she played a gospel song for me on the Jambox (thank you Marty) as I was throwing away all the ridiculous toys my kids had stuffed in every crevice of their bedrooms. A line in the song went straight to my heart. It said something about God is the author of my life and I'm going to get out of the way and let Him write my story. I hate to break it to you reading this who aren't sold on God's authorship of your life, He determines your steps. Sure, you make your plans and lists but it is He who directs our steps. Proverbs 16:9 He is sovereign ruler over our hearts, minds and actions. If you're scoffing right now, GOOD. Friction is the catalyst for change. Challenge God on that. Ask Him if its' true and sweetheart He'll show you. Ok enough of that little rant.....
          I felt cheated out of my hard earned home. I had been obedient to what God asked of me and this is how He repays me? Yeah I'm blasphemous but that's my truthful human heart. I kinda went down the how dare he path for a second. I had to remind myself of everything in my life that has undeniably been from God's hand. Every time I turned ANYTHING over into HIs hands and stopped trying to erase what He was writing, it has been beautiful and I have had peace.  So I trust that His ways for me are good though I do not see. I honestly struggled to se how he was going to fulfill any of his promises to me by taking away my home and my assumed financial security...

       The next morning I read Psalm 52:10: "For you oh God tested us, refined us like silver." Do you know how a smith refines silver? He has to hold it in the hottest part of the fire. He watches as the air and heat bring all of the impurities to the surface adjusting the flame as needed. The smith knows that the process is complete when He can see His reflection in the piece if silver. Friends, I've been in the flames, for a while. The tests of God require His constant presence. I  have to concentrate on taking my eyes off of the flames. My impurities have been rising to the surface, anger, sin, shame, hurt (the list is longer but you get the idea).
   That was fun to read...... I needed to be reminded what God is doing in my life beyond my circumstances. If you know me I don't need to say anymore. If you don't, you will after the next dozen posts! My strength was renewed reading this verse. I know that whatever comes to the surface can be healed and that my faith can be restored.
    The next super fun verse I read was Daniel 4:37 "Everything He does is right and He does it the right way. He knows how to turn a proud man into a humble one. "
How can someone be so poor yet so proud? I don't know but I figured out a way.
    When I received that eviction notice I started praying. I now needed God and I was asking Him to step in. He must have been thinking, Seriously, step in? Really? Does this sweet child of mine not know I have been providing every single breath that she breaths? Job 12:10 That I know her thoughts before one is even on her tongue? Psalm 139:4 Did you forget I said I saw your unformed body and all the days ordained for you were written in my book before even one of them came to be? Psalm 139:16

       My pride and self worth are rooted in my circumstances. Because I take full credit and responsibility for it.  God can and will use the irresponsibility of those who promised to support their children, to use the fact that I didn't save enough money for my GOOD. He wasn't surprised by the eviction notice or the extenuating circumstances that caused child support to be difficult for them to pay. He wasn't surprised by the IRS being lame. I accredited every thing I had to my own effort and work. Rightly so to an extent! I should have pride in being self sufficient and hard working!  Every single thing I have and am able to do is because of what God has done for. Every. Single. Thing. He gives me breath, strength, health, wisdom, guidance. What I have is what He has allowed me to have. Ok let's be honest, I look at facebook sometimes and am jealous of what other people have. Why do they have that, it's not fair, I should have that?! What that person has is what Gd has allowed him to have. The story of Job for example..... just read it. I love God's response to him. He never answers ANY of Job's questions of why God is seemingly unjust in allowing His suffering. He simply says, listen buddy, did you tell the heavenly storehouses where to keep the snow? Do you know how the oceans stay where I placed them? Do you see where the animals give birth in the secret places? Were you there when I knit you together in your mothers womb?    IF He is the author of my life and He is writing a story that He plans to use, is using, has used, to bring light into a dark world... refining me in the process.... than I choose to live rooted in joy and humility. I've been trying not to pretend who I am anymore. To pretend everything is A-OK and easy. I kind of felt like ok everyone knows I'm a Christian now so I have to look like every thing is together! NO!!!! I'm not supposed to. Am I seriously fooling anyone?
The ONLY thing that makes me strong is my weakness.  That is gospel people! We are weak! We aren't supposed to carry our burdens, GOD DID NOT CREATE US TO! That is some good news amen? When I felt like losing it I turned to God. At fist I was a little pissed that He was allowing all these things to happen, He wasn't doing anything to change it! Faith is having hope in what we do not see. I'm going to go out on a limb here and be an example of the beautiful work He does using  the story of my past and the unfolding of my future.

        Whatever God is doing I am going to joyfully accept as His sovereign plan for my life. I am going to partner with Him as His hands work through mine.
Because God is good all the time.