I Finally Found the Man of my Dreams!

I finally found the man of my wildest dreams!!!  There are things about him so beautiful and perfectly suited for me that I forgot to even ask God for them!  I found a man who told me he was going to take care of everything for me. He promised to provide for my financial needs, making sure every need I had had been met and met well. This wonderful man meant, with every fiber of his being, when he whispered to me he would never leave me no matter how broken, annoying, depressed, fat, distant or prideful I was. He desperately meant it when he held my face in his hands and told me he would never leave me or forsake me. He even told me he knew every mistake I had made and was ashamed to tell anyone else about. My Prince Charming got down on one knee and asked me, his beloved, to stay by his side and trust him with my life. He told me and showed me things that convinced me of his authenticity. He told me things about my heart and my mind that I didn’t even know until he placed words to them.

I can’t even begin to express my joy and overwhelming gratitude for finally meeting this beautiful man!!! He thinks I am a princess, flawless, impeccable, pure, holy and strongest when I am weak. He tells me every day not to worry. He shows me the most beautiful sunsets, sunrises, birds, clouds, flowers, trees, mountains, smiles, snuggles, food, cookies, music, silence, animals, babies. He DELIGHTS in me. Every part of me. Every thing I worried about on a daily basis, providing for my children, figuring out my future on every level he just put all those things to rest. He said he may ask for me to do things from time to time and when he need my help he will let me know. He has unlimited resources and do you know what he told me? That he has known me for a long time. He watched me and waited for the perfect time to come to me. He sought me and found me. He fought for me and always has my back. He knew every tear U had cried, every hurt I had endured, every pain I had hidden away in my heart. He knows every desire I hold. Even desires that I haven’t fully acknowledged in my own mind. He holds me when I cry, cheers for me when I am afraid, forgives me when I fail and never ever loves me any less. His words for me are perfect.

He has a perfect plan for my life and He wants me to live in peace and joy and let him work for me. Fight for me. He wants me to be still. Rest. Be quiet. His name is Jesus. :)  He rescued me from darkness, set my feet on a solid rock. The times I fell in a crumbled, broken, sobbing mess of a woman he sang over me and melted my fears away. He made me. He knows me. He came to live a life humble, tempted like I am and in complete sinless glory, died for me so that he could be with me forever.

Three little birds

      I began my yoga practice when I separated from my ex husband over 5 years ago. I had three young children and honestly didn’t truly understand the concept of “rest”. In an effort to save myself from complete insanity, my one hour of yoga became my rest. Our drishti, gaze, was to be focused on emptying the mind. I was using the poses to create a rest for my mind and my spirit.  A verse God had been using to minister to my heart around this time was Isaiah 30:15 “ In Repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength. “. Its translation into Hebrew transformed my practice as our salvation, repentance, rest and quiet trust create ‘space’. My yoga instructors always said “ create space” on an inhale and length. We would make a conscious effort to press out thoughts that disturbed or distracted to create space in our minds. These efforts produced ‘Rest’.  

        The concept of rest to me became very deliberate and intentional. It was something I always made time for.  When I found Holy yoga this rest became my meditation. Deepening my awareness and my senses to really connect. I focused my drishti now  on to the spirit of my savior that dwelled inside of me and the power and peace that he brought. This truly became a place or rest for me.

       This morning during my meditation I was pondering this verse. Before I could see the first light of day I hear a small bird singing outside. I thought of how carefree that little bird must be. He sings when the sun come up. He goes out to look for food when it is time. He never worries or questions that he will be cared for.  Listening to this sweet bird sing I remembered Matthew 6 where God says he cares even for the needs of these birds. And if he cares for the needs of a bird how much more does he care for and meet our needs? I’d heard this verse before but it just hit me this morning so I drew my breath in deeply almost if involuntary followed by an equally deep exhale. The words of Acts 17:28 came to life for me as I breathed. ”In HIm we live and move and have our being.”  He gave me my breath and I don’t have to force it or control it. I don’t have to stay awake at night making sure I remember to take my inhale and exhale. I don’t count my breaths or even think about it unless I’m doing yoga!  I can’t bring my breath back once it leaves my body and I did not breathe life into my own lungs. God did. He breathed the breath of life into me and sustains me though it. He knows the number of hairs on my head, the number or tears I’ve cried  and I would bet he know every breath I’ve taken. If I also live in move in him. And he dwells within my walls then why must I worry about all the things I do? He takes responsibility for meeting ALL MY NEEDS. He doesn’t need me to do his job. He promises he has a plan and a purpose for me. He asked his disciples to leave everything and follow him. I know the argument of “I must plan a future and be wise and provide.” It’s my argument as well. But I’ve come across a truth that makes this all so simple. What if I only obeyed what he asked of me? What If I did the things he commanded in his word and followed what he whispered in the quiet spaces of my inmost being?

I came back in my mind to Isaiah 30:15,  rest. I am a planner. A chronic to do lister. A step follower. A plan and fall back plan person. A recovering control freak.  Guess how many of my plans lasted? Yeah….. none. They’ve all had a course and then gone another way. I’m starting today, in faith, to believe, just for today, that al I truly have to do is follow Him. For me, this means not seeking a full time job because I’m in a crazy rush to (once again) get out of my parents house. I don’t think it would it would be wrong if I did. However I think there may be something better for me. I feel God whispering to me in my heart and through these verses that there is…..

So today I choose to rest and wait. I can rest, not just in the hour I will set aside to practice holy yoga, but in every fiber, every breath, all day rest. Because he says he has a plan, Jeremiah 29:11. he has perfect timing and I can trust him. He cares for me and he is sovereign. He has proven thus far for these truths to be solid in my life. I choose to root down in His truth, His words.

The Screaming Pride...

        My pride is screaming at me not to write this but it's too difficult to ignore God's prodding of my heart anymore.
   I've lived in my reasonably spacious apartment for three years. I am proud of this! I was 8 months pregnant with baby number four when I moved in and recently divorced. 95% of all bills have been paid because my hard work and efforts. A little help here and there by kind family and friends. I paid off my car, supported my children in the many months i did not receive child support. Yes I bitched about not receiving it those months but yet again my hard work allowed for my bills to be paid. I've built a lot of memories with the children in this apartment. Three Christmas', three Summers, every milestone in Makenna's, the baby, life, heartbreak, healing, accent walls and all. This apartment is the first place I have ever had on my own. I am proud.
         January and February of this year I did not receive all of my child support. So much so that I could not pay rent and, being the wise financial planner that I am, my savings wouldn't cover the gap. I had been late on my rent before so I wasn't too worried about waiting until my next check. I also knew I had $7,600.00 coming to me from my tax return. Less than a week later I was served with an eviction notice. Pride crushed, anger fuming.
       I tried to think of every way the management office had done me wrong, there was a few things on that list, but there wasn't anything significant enough to fight it. After I got over being the victim, I wrote a 'take pity on me I'm the mother of 4 and support them largely on my own and I'm a wonderful clean tenant' letter... . To which they did not reply and eve ignored my phone calls to discuss the matter. There were moments of anger and rage feelings of 'how could they'. But I am the one who did not pay my rent.
        I started looking for a new place to move and there were many prospects that looked great. In all of San Clemente there were 8 rentals. Either too mall or too expensive. I was told it was a slow rental year when this is usually their busy season... my luck. Naturally I thought God was going to bless me with a even better place to live ad that must be His awesome plan for me! Let me tell you, I have NEVER guessed correctly when it comes to guessing His plan for me. So why would this be any different? It wasn't. This next week was a string of bad financial news. The worst probably being that the IRS had a 'glitch' in their system that confiscated my entire tax return to pay off a debt I had been making small monthly payments towards. I still held out hope that I would be able to get into a new place and not have to move in with my parents. So I had EVERYBODY praying that wouldn't have to happen!!  I'm sure my parents were praying that too!
       It was as if every person I contacted about rentals was moving uphill, in molasses on a cold winters day and I was in a serious hurry!!!!! Everyone, including my parents at this point, were advising me to move in with them for a short time and not rush a move into a place that wasn't perfect.  I accepted the fact that it was the right thing to do as I cried as I shoved my stuff into boxes and drank a little too much champagne. Thank God for my sister who spent the night with my hot mess. I ranted and raved about how irresponsible certain people are and that paying to help support their children should be number one on their list of financial obligation. And don't get me started on the IRS.
Little side story:
      For those of you who know me personally, you know the prayers I've had for my 12 and a half year old daughter. She was baptized a few months ago and since the I have seen such a battle in her. She is a beautiful, talented, too witty and smart sometimes for her own good. She is a child of influence. The battle is for whom she will influence others. Jr. High is an age where we can be influenced by people and it is a place where a little light and truth go a long way. ANYWAYS my point is her light has been a bit dim lately and it warmed my heart for her to do what she did. While I was paking she played a gospel song for me on the Jambox (thank you Marty) as I was throwing away all the ridiculous toys my kids had stuffed in every crevice of their bedrooms. A line in the song went straight to my heart. It said something about God is the author of my life and I'm going to get out of the way and let Him write my story. I hate to break it to you reading this who aren't sold on God's authorship of your life, He determines your steps. Sure, you make your plans and lists but it is He who directs our steps. Proverbs 16:9 He is sovereign ruler over our hearts, minds and actions. If you're scoffing right now, GOOD. Friction is the catalyst for change. Challenge God on that. Ask Him if its' true and sweetheart He'll show you. Ok enough of that little rant.....
          I felt cheated out of my hard earned home. I had been obedient to what God asked of me and this is how He repays me? Yeah I'm blasphemous but that's my truthful human heart. I kinda went down the how dare he path for a second. I had to remind myself of everything in my life that has undeniably been from God's hand. Every time I turned ANYTHING over into HIs hands and stopped trying to erase what He was writing, it has been beautiful and I have had peace.  So I trust that His ways for me are good though I do not see. I honestly struggled to se how he was going to fulfill any of his promises to me by taking away my home and my assumed financial security...

       The next morning I read Psalm 52:10: "For you oh God tested us, refined us like silver." Do you know how a smith refines silver? He has to hold it in the hottest part of the fire. He watches as the air and heat bring all of the impurities to the surface adjusting the flame as needed. The smith knows that the process is complete when He can see His reflection in the piece if silver. Friends, I've been in the flames, for a while. The tests of God require His constant presence. I  have to concentrate on taking my eyes off of the flames. My impurities have been rising to the surface, anger, sin, shame, hurt (the list is longer but you get the idea).
   That was fun to read...... I needed to be reminded what God is doing in my life beyond my circumstances. If you know me I don't need to say anymore. If you don't, you will after the next dozen posts! My strength was renewed reading this verse. I know that whatever comes to the surface can be healed and that my faith can be restored.
    The next super fun verse I read was Daniel 4:37 "Everything He does is right and He does it the right way. He knows how to turn a proud man into a humble one. "
How can someone be so poor yet so proud? I don't know but I figured out a way.
    When I received that eviction notice I started praying. I now needed God and I was asking Him to step in. He must have been thinking, Seriously, step in? Really? Does this sweet child of mine not know I have been providing every single breath that she breaths? Job 12:10 That I know her thoughts before one is even on her tongue? Psalm 139:4 Did you forget I said I saw your unformed body and all the days ordained for you were written in my book before even one of them came to be? Psalm 139:16

       My pride and self worth are rooted in my circumstances. Because I take full credit and responsibility for it.  God can and will use the irresponsibility of those who promised to support their children, to use the fact that I didn't save enough money for my GOOD. He wasn't surprised by the eviction notice or the extenuating circumstances that caused child support to be difficult for them to pay. He wasn't surprised by the IRS being lame. I accredited every thing I had to my own effort and work. Rightly so to an extent! I should have pride in being self sufficient and hard working!  Every single thing I have and am able to do is because of what God has done for. Every. Single. Thing. He gives me breath, strength, health, wisdom, guidance. What I have is what He has allowed me to have. Ok let's be honest, I look at facebook sometimes and am jealous of what other people have. Why do they have that, it's not fair, I should have that?! What that person has is what Gd has allowed him to have. The story of Job for example..... just read it. I love God's response to him. He never answers ANY of Job's questions of why God is seemingly unjust in allowing His suffering. He simply says, listen buddy, did you tell the heavenly storehouses where to keep the snow? Do you know how the oceans stay where I placed them? Do you see where the animals give birth in the secret places? Were you there when I knit you together in your mothers womb?    IF He is the author of my life and He is writing a story that He plans to use, is using, has used, to bring light into a dark world... refining me in the process.... than I choose to live rooted in joy and humility. I've been trying not to pretend who I am anymore. To pretend everything is A-OK and easy. I kind of felt like ok everyone knows I'm a Christian now so I have to look like every thing is together! NO!!!! I'm not supposed to. Am I seriously fooling anyone?
The ONLY thing that makes me strong is my weakness.  That is gospel people! We are weak! We aren't supposed to carry our burdens, GOD DID NOT CREATE US TO! That is some good news amen? When I felt like losing it I turned to God. At fist I was a little pissed that He was allowing all these things to happen, He wasn't doing anything to change it! Faith is having hope in what we do not see. I'm going to go out on a limb here and be an example of the beautiful work He does using  the story of my past and the unfolding of my future.

        Whatever God is doing I am going to joyfully accept as His sovereign plan for my life. I am going to partner with Him as His hands work through mine.
Because God is good all the time.
   
       

When He first spoke... then I wished He hadn't

Here's my little opening statement: 

I had a beautiful childhood. My parents were high school sweethearts, a homecoming queen and wrestling state champion. My sister was and is my best friend. My brother letting his two little sisters into his world. There is probably no better town to live in than San Clemente. Days at the beach long into the evening. River trips, close to extended family, never wondering if we were loved or would be cared for.

Here's the heart stuff:

When I was young I viewed God as my creator and saw Him as being removed from my everyday life. A judge in the sky giving the thumbs up or down, clearing a path with goodness and blessing if I were to earn His approval. I believed He loved me but that His approval was something I had to earn. I approached him with reverence and it was stressed in my home that obedience to God was non negotiable. I never questioned God’s existence as my creator. The things I did question,  how to please Him and how to meet my own needs, were what dictated all my actions. Pleasing myself and meeting my own needs usually did not correlate.

Both of my parents were very religious and devout to the traditions of their faith. My older sister and brother and I were raised in both religions. My Father was a Jehovah’s witness and my Mother a non denominational Christian.  With my Father  my siblings and I attended two weekly bible studies and a two hour Sunday service. We counted our hours of door to door preaching on weekends. We did our weekly required bible reading and whatever ever other books we were required to study. We had a family bible study usually on a Sunday evening. We performed bible studies in front of the church as practice and were critiqued on the performance. A few times a year we attended weekend long assemblies. Those were pretty boring for everyone. We did learn how to sit still for long hours at a time and mostly behave. The Jehovah’s witnesses are worldwide and they are organized and like minded in their beliefs. They care for one another as well as devoting their lives to preaching what they believe as absolute truth.

We did not celebrate Holidays and weren’t allowed to participate in any school activities that did either. We were not allowed to attend or have Birthday parties, although I think my mom got away with a few for us. Religion was a hot topic in our house hold and there didn’t seem to be much respect for the differences.

I was usually the only child who didn’t complain about the weekly study, reading and meetings. I received praise for this and for completing  all that was required of me. This praise made me feel accepted and valued. The measurable success of bible reading, hours in service and meetings made me feel worthy of love and secure in my family, God and the church. My Father and I shared a special bond in things we did together with the other Jehovah’s witnesses. We both enjoyed hard work and desired to please God with our lives.

With my mother I attended a small, sandy foot friendly neighborhood church. One Sunday service, a week of Vacation Bible School in the Summer and any non Holiday musicals the church put on. I enjoyed attending there and never felt like it was wrong, no matter how many times I was told I should feel that way. I loved singing in the children’s choir and going to Summer day camps. It was a place I felt free and it was fun.

When each of us kids were ending our elementary years our parents told us we would be able to choose where we wanted to continue to attend church. We had to choose between our Mother’s church or our Father’s. Then we would only have to attend one church and it's functions. I was sure I wanted to be a Jehovah’s witness. With the Christians not having as many rules, requirements and meetings as the Jehovah’s witnesses  it didn’t make sense how they could earn God’s love or approval. It kind of seemed like they didn’t care. At the same time they were one hundred percent sure of their salvation. The witnesses had such a rock solid answer for everything and it seemed impossible to deny they held the truth.

In spite of my plans to ditch the Christians and follow my Father into something sure, God showed up out of my control. My Mother’s church met in our elementary schools multi purpose room. All I had been doing in God’s name had not had any effect on any part of my heart, but that was about to change. One Sunday service I sat piously in my multi purpose room chair listening to the curly haired, overly joyful pastor strum his guitar to the worship music. I always found his exuberance a bit offense, I mean we were supposed to be in church here. I struggle now in  finding words to speak to what happened in the moments that followed that would capture the depth of my experience. The spiritual, physical and emotional experience was extravagant in every part of me. The first encounter of many with God that would turn my world upside down. Everything seemed to slow down and then completely pause. My heart fell open and I felt God speak words directly to my spirit. Every sinew of my being felt Him, heard Him.  He told me there was freedom here. But above the actual words there was a truth in the word freedom that i could just feel. I was staring at the bible tucked under the chair in front in me as the words kept swirling, beautifully,  throughout my body, mind, heart and soul.  Freedom. 

Slipping back to reality I knew I had experienced God and heard His words. I kept the experience to myself. I didn't even know enough about this God to think to ask Him what this meant.

Anxiety built inside me as the time quickly approached for me to decide where I wanted to attend church. I couldn’t choose to be a Jehovah’s witness now. I was terrified of telling everyone, partly because of pride. All I had was an experience to rest the decision on and I knew that wasn’t going to fly. There was fear in the idea of freedom and I don't think I even wanted it. 
My security was in knowing exactly what I had to do, scheduled for me every day. My chains were my comfort. My earning was my pride and comfort. Jehovah’s witnesses had all the answers for my life and security.  Now, all I had were questions. I kept asking my Mom how she knew she was serving the right God. She just said she knew because she could feel it, with every fiber of her being. I couldn't argue it away anymore or scoff at such an idea because now I had experienced it. My Mother prayed fervently for me to find truth, freedom. I kept searching for a good enough reason to justify my choice to my family.

I don’t remember the words I spoke the moment I told my Dad but I know the disappointment I saw in his face. I felt his frustration every time I tried to explain why I chose the way I did. I could feel so clearly all the emotions that caused me to make this decision and yet I couldn’t find the proper words to put to it. Nothing I said seemed to touch the spiritual experience of that day. The Elders from the Jehovah’s witnesses came over one day so I could give an answer to their questions as to why I chose to leave. Walking into the living room where they were waiting I saw my Mother sitting on her bed, she whispered she was praying for me.  

I tried so hard to  appear emotionless because I believed if I seemed sure and strong they would trust my decision.  I had once been so sure of their truth now I couldn't seem to put a single word to what I had experienced that made them understand.

I can remember the desperation and disappointment on my Father’s face watching me stumble over my words. Having children of my own now I can only imagine the concern and confusion he must have been feeling.

My Father eventually told me he was convinced I had chosen this so that I could date like the other kids at my mom’s church were. I was determined to prove him wrong in this assumption. He just kept saying he knew I knew the real truth in my heart. I believe he felt this with all of himself.  How could I even expect him to understand what I had felt and experienced when I once sat in the place he did. Trying to reason with all the right points and all the right scriptures. I remember feeling so frustrated with people trying to explain how simple it was. Yet here I was, the very thing I had always viewed as foolish. The disappointment he seemed to have in me was unbearable and I tried hard to hide my sadness and prove my choice was the right one. I was convinced I had lost my Father’s approval and acceptance. I thought the bond so special to me had been broken. We grew apart in our mutual hurt and frustration trying to convince the other that we were right. Somewhere inside of me I felt I could earn my place back into that relationship.  I didn’t feel special anymore, I lost my security, part of my self worth and identity. I knew without any doubt I had made the right decision but I was ashamed of it.

Hope in Him alone

It was one of those days that changed my life forever. The kind that not a single circumstance changed, yet every corner of my heart did. The day God asked me to abandon my hope in everything of this world. My children and their health, school work, brushed teeth and hair. Their futures and every single aspect of their lives I carry as both hope and burden. My dream of teaching Holy yoga everyday, planning retreats that transform men, women and children’s lives. A ministry where God saves people and relationships. He asked me to abandon my hope to be debt free and to have a home, free time, enough exercise to reach my fitness goals and to even be a good cook! He beckoned me to imagine my life with no expectation for any of these things. He led me to imagine circumstances where all the hopes I had would be gone. A life in prison alone for the rest of my Earthly days. Maybe a life being completely paralyzed,  death of my entire family or terminal illness. He bid me to strip myself of my expectations to see where my hope truly was. 
 
I saw every hope of mine was placed in something I wanted him, expected him to give me on this Earth. But those things were not meant to have my heart or my hope. For where my hope is there my heart would be.  I saw how tightly wrapped my security was in hopes of a fairy tale of romance. Though it’s been trampled in pain and deceit I'd kept it alive. He asked me if I would abandon myself of all these hopes that were not guarantees but merely my dreams.  If I abandoned all of these things what would I have left? Where would my heart have anchor? If I gave up this hope where was I supposed to put it? I knew it belonged in him but hadn't it been there? Where had I gotten this wrong.

Then comes that super fun scripture that stabs your heart into piece only he can repair. Hope is not something man can conjure up on His own but a GIFT from the Lord. Seriously? I can't DO anything to secure this hope? I felt hopeless. Literally.

The thought of giving up earthly hope petrified me. These hopes were what brought me so much comfort. It felt like all my joy was flooding out of my body and it dizzied me. Then he told me that cutting the rigging of this anchor would allow me to walk out of the wilderness, the desert place he brought me to, to empty me. He held his hands out ensuring me that this anchor I would lose could be held in His hands instead. He never forced me to let go, He never forced me to break or to be emptied. He simply showed me and offered another way.

What he offered me was His love. He offered for me to stop clinging to worthlessness. Knowing my hungry soul wouldn’t choose another.  He showed me that the moment he thought of creating me he loved me. He intricately weaved together every perfectly imperfect part of me. My loud mouth, my pride, my insecurity, my walls, my obsessive control, my passive aggression, my lack of boundaries, my tendency to quit, hide, run, lie, blame, yell, fight, busyness. He showed me his delicate plan to make me unique in every sinew of my being. I am His child, I bear his resemblance. He breathed life into me, He never ever for a single second stopped loving me and he will never, ever leave me. I am His beloved child. He will never forsake me or abandon me. He is coming back for me to rescue me and bring me to the paradise he created me to live in. He longs to love me. I look back at the things He has promised me, the desires deep within my heart. The spaces of my inmost being that he created and plans to fulfill. The things he has already given me that bring me hope and that I have future hope in. When He gives the gift from the Holy Spirit to have this hope I have a choice.  I know that I cannot leave this desert, this liminal space, until I trust in His all consuming love enough to let go this anchor and cross over into my eternal hope that will anchor my soul.

So I sit on my knees in pain and tears in my eyes. Afraid to let go of what is seen and what I can feel, what I can imagine clearly. Contemplating the true step of faith into what is unseen, unknown. I sit here because it is His appointed time for me to do so. He gently led me to this space after walking so closely to me to offer me gift. To live in truth and light with a hope eternal. The familiar darkness that veiled my heart for so long seems like a comforting blanket and I’m not going to lie I want to run back to it’s warmth. 

I say to Jesus I want to give him my heart and I want to accept the hope. The promise of eternity with Him in the garden I was made for. I am scared because I don’t know the way and I don’t know how to let go. Then He reminds me I don’t have to, all I have to do is be still. Suddenly I am not afraid anymore. I close my eyes and I can see him take my hand, leading my bare feet, free form into paradise. This is where I place my hope. Nothing but this moment matters, nothing that was before will ever trouble me. No tears will ever fall again from my eyes. Around his neck he wears every tear I ever cried and he assures me he saw every single one. Ushering me into eternity I know the familiar feeling that settles through my body, shalom.